[Content warning:  Discussion of sex toys and their use, particularly penis toys.]

Yes, I have sex toys.  I have a number of them.  I have various shapes, sizes, and intended uses.  I have some that I use often, some that I use occasionally, toys that I come back to every couple of months because “Maybe this time it’ll work better”, and some that I tried only once because I didn’t like them.

Probably the first toy I ever experimented with was a cardboard tube.  It was a hole, it was about the right size, so maybe…?  Spoiler alert, it didn’t work.  The first experiment that was successful was when I put a small amount of cooking oil into a small plastic Ziploc bag, then put that in between some pillows on my bed, so I could thrust into it.  That worked.  Over the next couple of years, I upgraded and tuned that design.  (Most notably, by cutting off the zip-locking part (because ouch), by placing it inside a folded pair of socks for some added pressure.  I also switched to hand lotion, baby oil, or KY Jelly instead of cooking oil, because cooking oil just never comes off.)

Soon after I moved out and got my own place, I had the freedom and the privacy to start looking at buying an actual toy.  But were there any?  I knew about vibrators, but was there anything for my equipment?  I didn’t know what was out there, I didn’t have much money, and I didn’t know where to start.  I was completely nervous about my first purchase.  I think I bought three things:  A vibrator (because maybe that might work?), an “oral sex simulator” contraption with a tube and a pump (because oral sex is supposed to be good?), and some pink jelly sleeve thing that had an offensive name that I can’t recall that vaguely resembled a vulva if the designer had never seen one but only heard the legends (because maybe it’ll feel like The Real Thing™?).

All three of those turned out to be a waste of money.  The vibrator was, well, a vibrator.  I’m sure it might have been a decent buy for someone with a vagina or a clitoris, but having neither, it wasn’t much use for me.  The “oral sex” thing was just bizarre.  I never did figure out how to use it.  The pump bulb was made of hard rubber, so it was difficult to squeeze, and I think all it did was give me hand cramps.  The sleeve thing was too tight, too short, and way too smooth.  I’d go in one end, come right out the other, and feel nothing in between.

Still, I was curious.  I’d bought some toys and didn’t have the FBI knocking down my door, looking for contraband, and my credit card company didn’t cancel my account for being a pervert, so all in all, things went fairly well.  So, I bought a few more things.  A couple of stroker sleeves that were far better than the first, but still not that great.  A “realistic vagina” that turned out to be a vulva façade with a two and a half inch wide, six inch long floppy tunnel lined with centimeter long tickly bits behind it.  I was starting to think that there weren’t any good toys for people like me.

But then, I found it.  It was far more expensive than all of the other toys I’d bought.  It was big.  It has great reviews, but then so did that weird jelly tube thing.  Okay, I’m going for it.  I’m probably going to regret it, like all the rest, but I might as well try.

It was a pink Fleshlight, with the generic-looking entry and a smooth canal.  It came in a big grey plastic case.  There was a weird cap on the end.  It was kind of complicated.

And it worked.

It was soft and stretchy and didn’t melt and I could fit inside and it wasn’t made of hard plastic and I could actually feel it.  And I liked how it felt.  I quickly went and bought a set of additional sleeves with different textures, and they were even better.

Finally, a toy that didn’t suck!

(Well, technically, that weird cap on the end adjusted airflow, so if you set it just right, it did kinda suck, but in a good way.)

As a sign of the quality of the Fleshlight, I still have that original set that I bought, and they’re still in usable condition.  Even the sleeves I have that have torn, only tore a little bit, then stopped.  (One was a poorly designed orifice that couldn’t stretch right, so I think it tore for everyone, and the other was the “ultra tight” model, which was too small for me.)  If you take good care of a Fleshlight, it will last a long time and be well worth the investment.

(By the way, my favorite is the speed bump, with the STU and Wonder Wave close behind.  I think those textures are all available in a generic, non-anatomical model, if you’d rather not buy a fake body part looking thing.)