Before I discovered I was asexual, I tried all kinds of porn, thinking that something somewhere would be enticing enough to somehow snap me back to “normal”. I ordered DVDs of various themes, I watched the highest rated adult movies, I bought a month at various picture sites. Naked people doing naked things, everyone seems to love this stuff, this has gotta work, right?
Well… No. Not quite.
I never found that spark that set my passions aflame and my loins aflutter. Most of it was awful (and by awful, I mean offensive and/or terrible quality) and the stuff that wasn’t awful was almost universally dull. Even the performers were usually bored.
Most of it I couldn’t remotely relate to. That looks tiring. That looks uncomfortable. Why would anyone want to do that? They did that five minutes ago. How is that supposed to work? How long is this phase supposed to last, because it seems like they’ve been doing it for longer than makes sense. It’s really difficult to get turned on when you’re spending most of your time questioning the erotic validity of what’s portrayed.
(And when it’s so poorly lit and so poorly framed and so procedural and so over-acted…)
I would try masturbating to it (because I guess that’s what you do?), but usually that took longer that it probably should have, because I’d spend so much time trying to find a picture or a scene that was at least somewhat interesting. I don’t know, do non-ace people have such a hard time finding something they like, or is it more typically “Aw yeah, naked people, party time!”?
That’s not to say that I didn’t find anything that I liked to look at. There have been some things that I’ve liked. It helps if the people involved seem to genuinely having fun, instead of just checking boxes on a position list as they race to the money shot or try to fill ten minutes of rolling around on a bed. I have a definite preference for pubic hair over clean shaven down below. And there are some other undefinable aesthetics that I find pleasing.
But I never want to get involved. I never want to be in the scene. I never imagine myself taking part. (I’ve tried, but… More on that in a later post.)There’s no attraction, no desire. It’s more like, hey, that looks like that feels good for you, a sort of empathic response that enhances what I’m feeling.
So yes, sometimes, in the rare event that I can find something that’s interesting, then yes, it does work. But I often wonder… Do I find it arousing because I really find it arousing, or do I just find it arousing because I’m supposed to? Maybe if I’d been conditioned my entire life to believe that photos and videos of mountains were supposed to be highly erotic, then I’d have a secret Ansel Adams book hidden away somewhere.