[Content Warning: This page talks about orgasms, with an occasional mentions of anatomy or fluids.]
This is a list of “common knowledge” about orgasms that just plain isn’t true.
This comes from a willful misunderstanding of what asexuality is. They think that someone having a physical response to stimulation, even one done entirely on your own, will somehow invalidate your sexual orientation. That’s just ridiculous.
How is that even supposed to work, anyway? Have an orgasm, and boom! Now you’re straight! Like… Is there some secret coming of age ritual where people are excited to have their first orgasm so that they can finally discover their sexual orientation? It remains a mystery until then, so asexual people are those who never perform the ritual?
Asexual people are allowed to have orgasms. Many of us do. Doesn’t change the fact that we’re ace one bit.
Nope! Not everyone does. Some people can’t have them, some people aren’t interested, and some people haven’t figured it out yet.
It’s okay if you don’t have orgasms.
For some people, orgasms are a highly unpleasant experience for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don’t like the cleanup. Maybe they have guilt. Maybe they’re physically unpleasant or painful. Maybe they’re dysphoria triggering. Maybe they just don’t feel anything. Maybe they merely like them. And the list goes on…
It’s okay if orgasms just aren’t your thing.
Some people really like orgasms and get a significant amount of pleasure from them, and maybe for some people in that group they are the best feeling ever. But that’s not the case for everyone. As mentioned above, some people don’t like them at all. For other people they can range from “meh” to “I guess that was pretty good”, but not be classified as The Best Thing Ever™.
Orgasms can be very different for different people, and even different times for the same person. It’s perfectly fine if you’re not launching fireworks and causing massive earthquakes every time something approaches your genitals.
It is true that in most cases, an orgasm and ejaculation will occur simultaneously for people with a penis, and that they seem inextricably linked, but that is not the case. For some people, a health condition will prevent ejaculation or cause the semen to flow into the bladder instead of the urethra. It’s also possible to intentionally prevent ejaculation during orgasm, either by squeezing part of the penis manually or by tensing the muscles that would normally be involved and holding them until the orgasm subsides.
In any case, an orgasm does not guarantee ejaculation, and ejaculation does not require orgasm.
This can be broken down into a few smaller myths, all equally invalid.
First, there are no adverse health effects to never having an orgasm. Nothing will physically burst, nothing will fall off or fill with cobwebs. Even the claim that they prevent prostate cancer is dubious. If you never have an orgasm, you’ll physically be fine.
Second, for some people, their libido may kick into high gear the longer they go without, and in that sense, it may feel like they’re going to explode in a fireball of horniness if nothing happens. For those people, I guess there may be some metaphorical validity in the idea. But that’s not the case for everyone. Some people have low libidos that can be managed just fine without servicing. And other people have no libido to speak of at all.
Third, there is the possibility of experiencing vasocongestion of the genitals (more commonly known as “blue balls”, although it does not require the presence of balls to occur) after prolonged arousal without orgasm. Essentially, an orgasm will typically open the drain valves to release the blood sent to the genitals during arousal, and so if that doesn’t happen, all the extra blood down there can make things uncomfortable. Slightly uncomfortable. For a small number of people. For a relatively short period of time. And then it goes away. Most, if not all, tales of crippling pain associated with a lack of orgasm are a flat out lie designed to coerce someone into performing a sexual act and not a real condition. So you won’t explode.
Says who? Do you feel like you’ve had enough? Then you’re done. An orgasm is a rather arbitrary milestone.
Additionally, nothing says that an orgasm has to be the end, either. You can often keep going.
Says who? The idea that the orgasm is the ultimate goal of sexual activities is common, but it doesn’t have to be the case. The existence of orgasm-delaying techniques like edging and tantric sex practices prove that the journey itself is often worthwhile. Did you get something from the experience regardless, whether that’s physical pleasure, emotional closeness with a partner, or even something like migraine headache relief? Then that hardly seems like a pointless failure.
Sex an masturbation can be a success without orgasm, you just need to re-examine what you consider your personal success criteria to be.
Like hell it is. I never had an inkling of some mysterious ingrained knowledge that if I just put my hand downstairs and make a particular repetitive motion for several minutes that it will make something happen.
It’s okay to have no earthly idea how to make yourself orgasm. It’s okay to train yourself. It’s okay if it takes practice.
Really loud and vocal, wake-up-the-neighbors orgasms are a cornerstone stereotype that’s so prevalent that it seems like it’s not real if it’s not loud. Not all orgasms are loud, in fact, many of them are completely silent. Decibel level has no bearing on the intensity of an orgasm.
One of the most common myths around orgasm is that vaginal penetration is a good way to get them. Now, it certainly may be possible for some people to get an orgasm from penetration, but that’s not the case for everyone. For a lot of people, clitoral stimulation is required.
This is a particularly insidious myth, because it’s so prevalent and so misleading. A lot of people end up thinking that they’re broken downstairs simply because they’ve always been told that penetration is all there is, without ever hearing that the clitoris is where the action is.
There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone. Most people don’t.
A lot of sex ed articles have a positive, but misguided attitude. Everyone can have one, they say. Just keep trying! But not everyone can have an orgasm. Some for some people, such as those with anorgasmia, it’s not actually possible. It’s not a matter of figuring it out or doing things the right way, it just isn’t going to happen.
If an inability to orgasm is a problem for you or if it’s a change from the past, then you may want to mention it to a doctor. In general, though, if it’s not a problem for you, then it’s nothing to worry about.
As mentioned above, not everyone can have orgasms. But even putting that aside, the notion of “just try harder” can be counter-productive as well. “Try harder” turns on the pressure and the stress and then when nothing happens, the stress level rises and rises, until inevitably you give up and feel like you’ve failed. You haven’t failed, you just got stuck in a nearly impossible situation.
If you try to force an orgasm to happen, that basically guarantees that it won’t happen. You’re much better off just relaxing and go wherever it takes you. If you don’t orgasm, don’t worry about it. Maybe next time, maybe not.
Conveniently, there’s an entire other page dedicated to this one!